Endoh’s Dungeon

An easy word for most, so easy to the extend that it takes a lifetime to learn and achieve. The simplicity of this act, stretches beyond the relief of guilt in someone but also unlock one from resentment that can linger around until the day we die.

I am sure all of us have suffered some form of injustice in our life regardless of our age. There’s this saying that time will heal it all, but hurt is something that can intensify over time. Take September 11th for example, the families of the dead watched their loved ones being killed before their eyes again and again. How possible can a dead be killed again? Well, the television broadcast are playing that scene repeatedly, isn’t it?

I never once knew how magical the act of forgiveness can be as a child. For some of us, we dreaded the fact that we ain’t born into a rich family. We harboured resentments for the things we experienced, which some eventually resulted in hatred. For many times, I told myself that I will never ever forgive a certain individual for something he or she has done to me. I can’t be blamed, when the side-effects of these deeds live with me for the rest of my life until I meet my maker. Physical injuries and affairs of the heart particularly, are irreversible.

Forgiveness is not something that can be achieved easily. I mean, total forgiveness without any bitterness. Most people who claimed to have forgiven someone are factually still living with resentment, and with that resentment we carried on with their life. Not only it changes the way we think and assess a situation, it can possibly lead us to make a decision we usually wouldn’t under normal circumstances.

Here I was - looking at a 20-year-old boy, delivering his story over the weekend. Born into a single-parent family, he was abused mentally and physically as a child. As he delivered his story line by line, it’s evident his eyes were turning teary. Yet, his closing statement didn’t reflect the slightest bit of the hurt he had received.

“I wish I could tell mum, I love her.”

It was touching, you bet. My tears almost flowed, but I was quick to perk myself up and ridden of my tears with a single sweep of my palm. My eyes were wet, not because I sympathize with him. They were wet, because I went through the exact emotional turmoil except mine wasn’t abuse but a heartbreak. I understand every single word he said, and I can feel the exact emotions stirring inside us.

In the past, I often questioned myself on why should I forgive my ex-wife. This internal battle inside my heart and head is 10 times more punishing than having to live through those days. As the days went past, I begin to see humans around me in a different light. Emotionless like a zombie, as hard-headed like an ancient warrior. Self-torture, they called it.

I can’t remember when I started reading the bible again, since I was uninterested in every single thing after my separation. When I finally did, I was thankful I did. As I read on, something struck me so hard as though I was jolted out of bed from a deep sleep. All the sins I have committed, God has forgiven me nevertheless and kept me alive to live life. Suddenly, this ideal burst into flames in my mind like a 2,000 pounds bomb hitting it’s target.

If God can forgive me for every single thing I have done, why can’t I do the same?

It’s quite a torture to live with resentment and hatred frankly. Sometimes I asked myself, am I happy? The answer is an obvious no. The breaking point came when I sat alone in the park one night at 3am, I looked at my dog and asked him, should I forgive her? Perhaps I should, but how can I?

I eventually did, after struggling with it for two years. It’s hard to describe how it felt to be forgiving her. The effect of forgiveness didn’t benefit her directly but instead I found myself feeling more relieved and laid off of any burdens through time. It was until then, I learnt another valuable lesson. This resentment is nothing more than a self-imposed prison for myself. No doubt it wasn’t orchestrated by me, it was I who locked myself in this small cell of painful experiences. And it’s only me who can unlock myself. Hence, I was living a double life of a prison warden and a prisoner.

Does time heal? My answer now is probably different from many of you. No, time doesn’t heal. Forgiveness does.

I guess it’s about that for now… let me gather my thoughts again before I continue. I will be writing about some common questions ask me about forgiveness, and how I lived through those days.