Endoh’s Dungeon

Many have asked people like us, how did we do it? With all these painful memories, betrayal and physical abuses, how can we ignore everything that had been inflicted on us?

Keeyit commented in my previous post, that forgiveness is not forgetting. That is precisely the idea that I am trying to pass across. Most of us tend to associate forgiveness with forgetting the experiences and hurt, but I can tell you that is impossible. I will explain why…

Memories are like Egyptian’s carvings on the stone walls of their pyramids. Such powerful the strength they behold, that they remained resilient to foul weather and the age of time. The only thing that can affect the carvings is human’s interference. Either by protecting it, or destroying it. That is meant to say, it is up to us to see how we should handle these memories. I’m almost convinced that unless I am able to turn myself into a vegetable or go insane, I will never be able to forget. So if you have been trying to forget certain events that have crippled your assessment of life decisions, perhaps you should just stand up and face the big picture once and for all.

Is forgiving someone forgetting about the deeds? No.

I once said, memories are the primary reason why we learn from mistakes. It is because of the existence of memories, that we are able to assess a situation more wisely before we make a decision on certain issues. Without memories, we learn nothing. Even going to school or getting a scholarship requires memories of what were taught to us, isn’t it?

Forgiveness, is entirely different from forgetting. Forgiveness is the stage that we can live on without any resentment or hatred towards someone or something. As a matter of fact, I can tell you that trying to forgive is an extremely tight struggle for myself and a very difficult thing to achieve. It took me two years thereabout, and probably longer for that boy in my church who experienced child abuse.

Many people chose not to forgive as a form of punishment for the culprits. However, they didn’t realise that they were also punishing themselves by holding on to those hatred and grudges. So much so, every day that they live, every word that they speak and every breath that they inhale are full of retaliation and revenge. One question I always like to serve, does revenge turns back time?

Now, you’re getting some idea why I said I had previously led a double life as a prison warden and prisoner.

To forgive is not easy. In fact, forgiveness should not only be given to others but ourselves too. Failing to forgive others is like failing to forgive ourselves for falling prey into these situations. I recalled the day I embarked on my forgiveness towards my ex-wife, it was like a big stone off my chest. It was something so hurting that it weighed me down in life and best of all, it wasn’t necessary at all to subject myself to such torment. Likewise for many others, they are shouldering these unnecessary burdens in life.

The other thing is, we made mistakes too and we are the ones who need forgiveness from others at times. To tell me that you will never ever ask for any forgiveness from anyone, shows me how much you are living in denial. To a certain extend, it also shows us of one’s ego and arrogance. Back to the point, if we are seeking forgiveness from others, why can’t we also learn to forgive others?

The other myth I commonly hear from friends whenever they asked about my ex-wife, why proceed with divorce since I have forgiven her? Let’s just say, forgiveness need not necessary mean two persons must continue to face each other. Just like all of you whom had lost friendships over the years, your friend and you may not be on talking terms anymore but still there are no hard feelings about each other. Forgiveness is not something that must be proven, but rather to me, it’s a source of comfort and peace we find for ourselves and others. We may not be talking at all, we may not be acknowledging the other person who used to be a friend, yet we hold nothing against that person. Easier said than done, honestly.

Just imagine, what would happen to me if I hold to heart every wrong that had been done to me? What about every wrong that I had done unto others? The verdict is clear, we would be utterly miserable if we live a life filled with nothing but resentment, hatred, unhappiness or worse still, revenge.

So why shouldn’t a couple get back together after forgiving each other? Why can’t friends get back together after seeking and receiving forgiveness? Well, all I can say is, we have to be realistic at times. Realistic not with money and self-proclaimed success but, to understand forgiveness often starts with thorough examination of the issue at hand.

It is understandable why sometimes people refuses (or unable) to forgive, because when we start examining the issues in detail we would realise that we had a hand in the way it turned out. That’s almost like saying, “yes it is my fault too”. How many people can actually look at themselves in the mirror and come up with that admission? It’s tough, right? Even for disputes which were not initiated by us, it could had been something else which we did that contributed to the final outcome that we are looking at now. For example, our speech, our reactions, our ignorance etc.

So as you can see, forgiveness sometimes involves a certain degree of self-reflection which many are not able to do. They wished they can forgive, but it is that self-reflection and admission of our own failures and mis-handling that added on to the obstacles of forgiving others.

If you are able to piece everything together now, it’s not difficult to conclude that to forgive, is definitely not asking you to forget. The wrong-doers should not forget too, of the hurt they inflicted on somebody once upon a time. Yet, it is this act of forgiveness that releases all of us from an already stressful modern society. Both you and me.

It’s much more difficult learning to forgive than learning to love. As difficult as it can be, all I can assure is you will surely see yourself living a happier life and see this world in a better light. Don’t look to forgetting, look towards forgiving.

Because… I have done it.

(I have refrained from any biblical reference, because it is my hope to demonstrate that forgiveness is not only applicable to Christians but each and every one of us. Even if you are not a believer in Christ, forgiveness is for yourself, and your friends and loved ones around you.)