Endoh’s Dungeon

Over the years, many friends have often asked me why did I call it quits with civil service? The increment each year offered me a salary package higher than a fresh degree student would be paid for. In addition, we “enjoyed” more off days than the average worker in Singapore would have. Without taking into account all the free improvement courses we get to attend, we also appear to be enjoying endless privileges of discounts on certain products through the internal clubhouse.

All the doubts over my sudden resignation one day, can actually be simplified into one general question. Given the above perks and all, ain’t I stupid to resign?

Talking about my civil service term is never an easy task. It involved so many sensitive issues pertaining to neighbouring countries, and even as I begin writing this post, there are many more which I have no authority to access. It’s common knowledge to those whom have dealt with such stuffs, that there are still countless levels above the classification of “Secret”. Hence, talking about my days is never an easy thing. But this post isn’t about all these outdated information that I remembered in my head.

I am sure most of us would have known by now, that many civil servants are condemned by the average Singaporeans. Take a look around Singapore’s blogosphere, some “public sentiments” towards Singapore’s civil service painted a very ugly picture of it with little mercy and sympathy. Resigning from civil service seemed at one time, a very reasonable decision to get out of the “public enemy” category.

Until today, I still do not hold any regrets from turning my back on my own ricebowl. However, it wasn’t because I was being seen as one of the “public enemies” but rather it was due to my conscience. To some, giving up such a high salary package and attractive benefits seemed to be the stupidest decision one can make after gaining a certain level of recognition from colleagues around me. I wasn’t the fittest member, but I am more alert and careful. I wasn’t the most experienced guru, but I fared better in strategic planning compared to some of my more experienced peers. I wasn’t the highest educated, but yet I understood certain psychological operandi better than my own superior. All these are not meant to boast my own capabilities, but rather I know my strengths and weaknesses. This - in turn - led me to question, have our civil service brought itself into the obsession with paper tigers rather than true efficiency?

I signed up with civil service for a very simple reason of survival. The job I had wasn’t one of my aspirations, but it was a logical choice based on the income and stability it offered. As the years lingered on, I began to experience and see more of things which the average Singaporean wouldn’t get to see. Should I consider myself as being fortunate enough to see the other side? Or should I say I was unfortunate enough to be engulfed with some of these nasty events, which during normal times I definitely wouldn’t do? Deep down inside my heart, I think I am fortunate to go through some unfortunate experiences.

If there was a way to measure up these experiences with the salary package, I think I have been underpaid. It is 2008 now, but a part of me is still loitering in the memories of those years, questioning myself what other better options should I have adopted during certain crisis? No doubt I cannot turn back the clock to change the outcomes of those events, it is in me that somewhere… someone… and something else could have been done to avert certain hostile situations. What and who could it be? Could it be my superior? Could it be any of my colleagues? Could it be that fat arse sitting in the office in front of the PC, but yet lording over my department when they are not even a part of us? Or worse, could it be ME who could have done something at somewhere on someone, instead of keeping silent?

Each day at work, began to feel like being at the frontline of a battle. I fought against the evils, I fought against the temptations, I fought against the competition from my peers and trust me, I had to fight against myself and my conscience even.

I believe everyone will face a situation where a fight between our heads and hearts take place. It is no difference for a civil servant who has to deal with so many people, local or abroad. Watching others commit evil wasn’t really that bad. What made me felt worse, was watching my peers succumbing to the evils. It wasn’t a matter of decisions made on impulse. As I began breaking down bit and pieces of everything, it became apparent to me that certain practices and beliefs have infiltrated the system. These practices and beliefs are more like HIV infections and terminal illnesses, forever loitering in the body for as long as someone adopts, get brainwashed enough into using, or refuse to change for the better.

For those whom have not been reciting the Singapore pledge for the longest time, here it is for you.

We, the citizens of Singapore,
pledge ourselves as one united people,
regardless of race, language or religion,
to build a democratic society,
based on justice and equality,
so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and
progress for our nation.

From young we have been trained to recite this pledge by heart. We were also taught in schools on the kind of pride we should hold of ourselves whenever we recite it. Fast forwarding myself to some situations involving my colleagues and others (local and foreigners)… what, one united people? What, regardless of race, language or religion? What, justice and equality?

Don’t mistaken me for what I meant. The pledge is a completely honorable one. One that is deserving of the utmost respect from anyone around the world. What saddened me, was watching my peers reciting this pledge with pride, only to survive with actions that overruled their integrity and consciences. It is not the pledge I hold against, but the people.

Nowadays, I still find myself asking whether are these people whom I know and used to work with, still carrying on the disgraceful culture I was once surrounded with? I still find myself asking whether are my peers still returning home to meet their children, telling them that their fathers had done good without betraying their consciences? If you’re wondering what exactly they did to irk me this much, you will be wondering for a long time. I’m not going to say specifically on what they did. Afterall, this post was never meant to be used as a “spill the beans” tool but rather, some heartfelt feelings stirring in me after a friend complained to me this afternoon about his superior. He’s serving in the Australian army btw.

Faced with such overwhelming diseases in the system that I worked for, being relieved of the burden that once plagued me into civil service, and a final bust-up with my direct superior… I served my resignation. His degree, commanded little grounds in the respect that I ought to pay him. By his rank and appointment, perhaps. But individually man-to-man, I despised him for his lack of integrity and the non-action against undesirable practices that opposed the very pledge we memorized by heart.

To forgo my conscience in the hope of pleasing my superior and keeping my ricebowl, was something I simply cannot go on doing. If it had been so over those years, it is not anymore now.

But is it really that bad in civil service? There were the good and the bad… and I have only just begun. For now, you know why I turned my back on the system. I will talk more in my next post.