Endoh’s Dungeon

I don’t usually read Mandarin newspapers but my dad left it conveniently on the sofa and splashed across the frontpage was a little article about MP Irene Ng for Tampines GRC. (Correct me if I got the wrong person) Well, she got hitched at 43 years old… finally. Anyway, this post is not about her individually but the content with which it was written in the papers that puzzled me a little. Is this a para-political marriage? To what extend would you pawn your marriage?Well, it was described that this wedding of MP Irene Ng was also inline with one of the four government’s initiatives, one of which is encouraging citizens to settle down and procreate. I was pretty shocked and awed of course.

Marriage to me is a sacred union. Not only is it a bond of the hearts of two lovebirds, but it is also a set of black and white commitment we give to our partners. If anyone is to get married, surely it will be out of love, the desire to continue loving someone and take care of someone among many other intimate reasons. Afterall, marriage is an “agreement” where two different persons with two different backgrounds forging a common life and goal together. That’s to me, at least.

The manner the newspaper described it, sounded as though the marriage was sort of politically motivated. It is unavoidable, since she is an MP. However, how appropriate are we to link a marriage to political propogandas? I am guessing this is only the way the papers wrote it, I hope.

Would I do that? Or allow that to even happen if I did not initiate it? No way!!! On no grounds will I allow someone to commercialize or political-ise my marriage. We have seen how Valentine’s Day has become, supposedly a day to celebrate our love. Hasn’t it become just another day to squeeze a couple more dollars from the couple?

Of course, the fact that she married at 43 years of age, that’s considerably very late. We are not even talking about high-risk pregnancy and stuffs, where procreation is part of the propoganda. Is that still pro-family? I don’t think so, and that’s only my feel of it. Even a MP is getting married this late, how do they expect Singaporeans to buy their story then? It’s more like a shot in their own foot.

Bottomline, if I were in her shoes will I publicise my marriage (or allowed to be publicised) in such a manner? No way… I shall keep it between the two hearts. My marriage is not a business deal.

Each and every day, I kinda get in contact with people with relationship problems. It may not be a conversation, but something as simple as reading the thoughts others have penned down. It doesn’t stops at that. It went as far as some articles and blogs of activists who would frequently defend their Rights and what they deserve. With modern technology, such propogandas (they call it their mission) are easily read by the mass and interpreted. Have our modern society mis-interpreted the true intention of Rights protection? Is a relationship still about love, if the parties in a relationship allow private agendas to consume them?

As we progressed into the 21st century, we see more definitions of what constitute towards a healthy relationship. It’s a natural societal change in the way we view relationships under the modern sun, given the experiences of others we know all these centuries. However, if mis-used or in most cases if used under mis-interpretation, that will spell trouble for any relationship. Afterall, man and woman think and act differently. How each gender view a bond of the hearts is essentially different.I can’t help it but ponder about some female activists who often proclaim their desires and commitment to change the world’s opinion of women. What was even more amusing, was the kind of pledge they undertook to “certify” their stance. With the influence of such activism, it’s inevitable a part of these would spill over to our education system. Having said that, our very own children are absorbing these agendas in their young age too. The saying of “young children will never understand” is a myth, because it is a known fact that certain traits and idealogies are shaped in the teenage years.

I have always believed that a relationship should be balanced and with the commitments shared. Do both need to be equal? My opinion is, it need not necessarily be. How did I arrived at such a belief? Does this mean I feel that a woman should be ranked lower in priority than a man? I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusion after reading this post I written a few months ago.

One comparison I often drawn, are our elderly grandparents and the modern couples we see these days. We hear of alot more breakups and divorces, and it appears to me that our higher education and first-world civilisation (supposedly) actually failed to enlighten us on how to communicate in a relationship. We may score a first in many areas from nuclear weapons to HIV cures, we may have found answers from the high-hanging tribal coffins in China to secrets of the mummies in Eygpt. However, one answer we never really took the effort to look into - why are our elders living in a much happier marriage and society compared to our paper-chased (read as 5Cs and glam) environment? What is it that our elders have succeeded in, which we failed as highly intellectual (supposedly again) graduates from all kinds of universities? And I thought, educational platforms all around the world would be able to train us into individuals, capable of analysing and draw a win-win situation out of anything. Or was it because our elders are more focused on living the marriage instead of banking on our superficial demands?

I read somewhere which says, our elders have lesser to demand of their spouses which isn’t so for us, younger generations. There is this Chinese saying which - amazingly - has outlived more modern unions of both genders than our elderly bonds which many criticized to be in favour of man and lack respect for women.

“Marry chicken follow chicken, Marry dog follow dog”
(Pardon me for literal translation but that’s the way it was said)

There’s alot of realisation going on whenever I read up on relationships, and this traditional (out-fashioned according to some) belief is the pure fundamental key to our elders’ long-standing marriages. Of course, this belief is slowly eroding away in our society when it is being mis-used to represent unfairness between man and woman. In fact, many women began waging a war on man with various philosophies that aim to discredit this belief. Interestingly, if anyone noticed… it was only when these activists or followers began on this war, that we see more and more failures in cross-gender dealings. Did any of these activists asked, why are there more couples buried side-by-side before this activism came into place in contrast to the high divorce statistics we are looking at now? Or did anyone of us questioned, is this social activism helping us more… or destroying our life?

Many people in relationships began debating about your Rights, my Rights, his Rights, her Rights… and it has never seemed to take a step back. To me, that is exactly what has broken down alot of relationships in their obsession with personal Rights. In countries where wife-beating (sometimes leading to death) is cultural, it is full understandable and legitimate why we should defend their Rights. These are instances where we have to bring in the law and educate why they shouldn’t be doing this to their wives. When such activism is in vain, then law enforcement would step in. Are we facing this in our relationships? Maybe for a small handful but we cannot deny most ended their relationship over trivial little issues, banking on Rights protection. That is not an infringement of Rights, but a failure to communicate on a compromising level.

What’s mocking our society even more, is the outright manipulation of a tiny fraction of people who use the Women Charter to gain a superior ground over the opposite gender. Or so they thought, so it’s not hard to see why certain proposed additions to the Women Charter have been rejected upfront. This tells us one thing, that a philosophy if mis-used… promote unfairness more than the Rights they are meant to protect. Yes, I do have such people around me in my life. I pity that man who had to pay alimony while she had a child with another man and fed with this alimony.

Why do our elderly couples seem so faraway from these problems? I am guessing, that their contentment level is far different from how the modern society views it. Our contentment these days are in pursuit of the 5Cs which bear little meaning to our elders. Their only drive in their relationship is, I must make sure my husband is well-fed… I must make sure my wife is well taken care of. In our days now, it’s starkly different. I don’t care how my boyfriend feels, I have MY RIGHTS to hang out with my friends 6 days a week and 1 day for him. I don’t care how my wife feels, I have MY RIGHTS to be just a little closer to another woman as long as we do not end up in bed. It’s nothing these days… but I I I I I I and more I… me me me me me me and more me… This will be that very thing that sow discords into modern relationships.

What’s even more hilarious, they remembered every word stipulated in their Rights more than “in richer or poorer, in sickness or in health” which they proudly declared when they exchanged kisses.

Perhaps, our modern society should take a step back and study why old-fashioned beliefs have worked better in the yesteryears than now. We have achieved great wealth with higher education, but does that means we have achieve better capabilities to handle our social life? When effective communication is being used in professional work, why isn’t it made compulsory in our social education? What if someone who is unable to communicate thinks that he can? What’s better than, to instill this set of communication skills right from the young ages. To be able to negotiate instead of I I I, me me me.

Can our love today stand the test? I think not.

Is the problem about the belief? I think not again. The problem is us.